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sleeping.... [31 Aug 2005|04:04pm]
[ mood | cramps ]

Have you ever started to see someone so much that when you don't see them for over a week, your heart starts to break? Or you feel such relief when even if that one person is not there to say goodnight to you in person, they're always the last to say it on the phone before you fall asleep? I have that. People need to feel someone next to them, or close to them in order to feel whole. It's just a part of our being. Have you ever noticed that people who sleep with someone else (marriage doesn't count) always seem to fall asleep easier? It becomes a routine and when they aren't there, your bed seems so big and empty. The warmth of two bodies pressed together and gently breathing as they dream is amazing. Even if it's not with a person that I'm in a relationship with, it's still comforting to be in the same bed with someone. To know that there's someone in your bed who cares about you and that wants you to be near them. I think spooning is one of the most romantic and caring things two (or more) people can do with each other. Lying side by side, breathing rythmically, just closing your eyes and feeling warm and that the world is in your control. That you don't need control, but you have it. I find that personally, I sleep easier when someone's in the same bed with me. I sleep in such a position on my stomach, that's easy to accomodate another person with it. I think that I've adjusted myself in readiness for a time when I can sleep next to someone and be close to them all night. Waking up to a kiss in the morning is another amazing feeling. Looking into their eyes, and without saying a word, just kissing their lips or their forehead. It's amazing to have someone wake you up by giving you a kiss. Without the slightest movement beforehand to startle you, and just kiss you gently to wake you up. I love that feeling. I want that feeling.

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[13 Jul 2005|11:30am]
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[20 Jun 2005|03:54pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

hm....well....let's think about this one for a minute.
Did I do something wrong?
Apparently someone thinks I did.
Do I think I did something wrong?
I think I hurt someone, but I don't think what I did was wrong.
What's my side of the story?
I waited and waited and loved more than you can handle.
Was I loved back?
Nope.
Was I hurt by it?
Telling someone you love them, and not hearing it back hurts more than you can think of.
Do I regret anything I've done?
Not at all. I feel like I may have caused someone more pain that I should have, but it got to the point where I couldn't be in that type of situation anymore. It wasn't healthy for me. It was hurting me.
What do most therapists tell you to do about stress?
They tell you to walk away or let go of the things causing you the most pain and most stress. If someone is bringing me to the point where I want to cut again I can't be with them. I'm not going to put myself in that situation and have all of that emotional shit going on in my life. I don't need that.
Should they understand this?
I'd sincerely hope so. If you can't understand someone backing away because you aren't healthy for them and they don't seem to be healthy for you, there is something sincerely wrong.

Other than that, and other than my fucking mom.....I'm really good today. I really do love working because I get out of my house, and I can throw myself into my work. I have to concentrate on that and it relieves a lot of the stress I have normally because I'm not sitting at home dwelling on it.

Anyone wanna hang out this weekend? (i feel like i have something to do but i can't remember right now....)

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[19 Jun 2005|10:51am]
I'm home from Savannah now. Pretty shitty trip, but whatever. The days were a bit long, but they were actually really good. But as soon as it got fucking dark, for some reason all hell seemed to break loose in my head. It was pretty messed up that I could have that bad of a time during my first fucking week of vacation. But whatever.

Today is father's day and I'm pretty sure my dad thinks I forgot it. Which I didn't. I just didn't call him until today to make plans because i'm a schmuck like that. I don't think anyone else has called him. I should call josh and tell him to come with us to dinner or something. Fuck.

I've been having the fucking strangest and most uncomfortable emotional time of mah life. I'm becoming exactly what I'm completely against in all forms. I'm turning into something/someone that i yelled at and cried over time and time again. How the fuck did I let myself do this (again)? Since my cellphone broke I've been fucking lost because I can't really call anyone that I want to. I don't have his cellphone number, I don't have (other) his cellphone number and i can't really call either of their homes. Nor do I have fucking hers for that matter.

So in a sense, i'm emotionally ok after this trip. But I feel really reserved and like I'm starting to shrink back from being who I am. I don't really know what I mean by that. I just don't feel as open right now as I usually am. Usually people can ask me any question and I'll give them a straight answer. Right now however, I don't think I even really want to talk to a lot of people. There's pretty much a set group of people I want to talk to........what the fuck am i doing?
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[07 Jun 2005|12:57pm]
[ mood | content ]

I am fucking finished with Finals. I am fucking finished with actual classes. I am fucking finished with school. Holy shit. I'm so happy. I'm definitely going to just go out and rape someone with happiness and joy. Well....not really. But it sounds like something I'd do, doesn't it?

Summer is gorgeous.

I didn't really do anything in my classes today anyways, so I really didn't have any today either. Besides the second part of my final. I did really well on the french and fixed my little stupid errors. So I'm good with this. I got a 94 on the first half of the second part of my math final. hahahaha. I'm really happy about that as well. She grades things strangely....or...I don't even really know how she grades it but whatever. I'm glad I got that and anything above a 75 is awesome according to my standards. And I handed in my history essay, after a big huge ordeal which included my mom forgetting me. hahaha.

I gotta go piss. So, bye.

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[04 Jun 2005|03:50pm]
I've been having a pretty good weekend so far. Only one little shitty part but that I can handle. It sucked but whatever. Maybe things will work out? I dunno.

I had a good time at the movies last night, which was nice.

I didn't go to sleep until 4:05 in the fucking morning. Then I woke up at 10:45, then 11:00 and took a shower because I was awake. Which I shouldn't have been. At all. It was a really interesting and informative conversation though. I know a lot of their personal history, as do they mine, but it was really good to get that stuff out and be able to talk about it with another person. I haven't cried about that since it was happening last year. They didn't know I was crying last night, but that's ok, because the fact was that they were open with their own family experiences and emotional beatings of sorts.

I really wanted a hug though. It was definitely a hug-worthy moment in time.
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[03 Jun 2005|12:15pm]
Life has been quite interesting for me this past week. With all the stress for finals, the spring fever, the crazy amount that everyone wants summer, the high emotional boundries everyone is setting for themselves and the need for companionship, or a good fuck, that i've seen.

It's been interesting to watch, and hardly fun to be a part of. I hate when people say they want to do things, but never go through with them. That's one of my biggest pet peeves.

I really want to stop thinking altogether. It kept my up until really late last night, and I had been trying to go to sleep since 10:00. Then I got a text message at 4:35 and that kept me awake for another little span of time.

Then my thesis presentation sucked, people I guess liked it, but it was a hard thing to explain, and because of the lack of sleep i was talking out of my ass. Jay seemed to like it though, which was good.

I need my math final to just die and be over with. I already finished all my other ones. Now I just have the math final left and I'm done with school. *sighs*
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[30 May 2005|08:10am]
[ mood | ok ]

Yesterday was another interesting day. As was this morning.

I woke up this morning, my phone had frozen, and my mom was no where to be found. Luckily, both were solved when I took the battery out of my phone, put it back in and charged it. I think it froze because the power went out last night at my house. But anyways, I got a voicemail from my mom saying she'd be home around 11:15 and that I should be out of bed and ready to garden with her. yuck. I hate gardening more than life.

Yesterday was soooo much fun though. Once I got out of the house, and minus a few interesting text messages, it was amazing. I hung out around new paltz for almost 4 hours or so with Paul. We walked around, went to The Bakery, made fun of funny looking people, he made fun of me, played on the playground, watched the makings of a wedding, talked about the route he took for his driving test, talked about everything you can think of [almost] forever and walked on the rail trail. That was really fun because i picked a white wildflower, so he picked me offwhite ones thinking they were purple, then proceeded to pick me purple so i had every color flower. *MELTS* I know it's girly but it was so sweet. Then he dropped me off and Ashlee's house, and called me a minute after he drove away to tell me he knew one of the kids that lived across the street from ashlee. hahahahahaha.

Then I saw star wars with ashlee and came home to a mother that wasn't talking to me because she found out about more occurences on friday. So I haven't talked to her since I got home last night.

And Justin, shut up. We didn't have sex or make-out or do anything sexual at all. Which I know you'll be bugging me about. hahahha

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[29 May 2005|09:15am]
[ mood | stressed and sore ]

I can't even begin to describe how much shit has been going on with me right now. This weekend has been a complete mix of both a lot of fun, and complete crap. I can't even handle all of this stuff right now. Actually, I take that back. I can never handle all this stuff. hahaha. It's ok though, it'll figure itself out. Had a good cry when I woke up this morning, which sucked but I'm getting out of the house now so I don't have to deal with any more of it.

STOP CRASHING DOWN ON ME!!! Bah....

mm...I love being a little pussy and completely avoiding confrontation. WOOO!!!!

My mother is going to kill me for life....or rather ground me for life....and then murder me in my sleep and find all of the bad stuff in my room and stab me another 10 times.

That's how bad it is. Yup. Yum.

Friday, when it was light out, was the shittiest day i've had in a really long time. At least for the most part. I did have fun for about an hour. Flirting and just talking and hanging out is one of my favorite past times.

Hopefully things will turn out ok tonight, and if not I just won't come home. That's the way it'll go. I don't care if I have to sleep outside someone's house, I'll fucking do it just so I don't have to go home if things blow up. And they don't know where I'd be so it'd be fine.

Fuck....I hate both overreacting and being so worried about things and not knowing how they'll turn out.

I need to get off this friggin computer, but I refuse to until the time when I leave. That's just the way it's going to go.

My back hurts. So does my shoulder. And my knee twitches when I put too much weight on it. WHAT THE FUCK?

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[26 May 2005|05:49pm]
THE SUPER-MEME FROM HELL
age - 16
height - 5
location – Poughkeepsie
hair color – brown/blonde/ugly
eye color – green!
sexual preference - none
what do you think of cheerleading – it’s funny to watch…especially in ‘but I’m a cheerleader’.
of the people you've kissed, who was the worst kisser - Ben
do you like pickles – hellz no
do you watch porn – not so much anymore, I used to a lot more
Do you have any pets - dog
do you have your own phone line – No, but I got a cell phone.
your thoughts on abortion – It’s completely up to a woman what she chooses to do to her body and teenagers especially should be allowed to get abortions for the simple fact that they are not mentally or physically ready to have children. Abortion should not however, be used as a means of birth control, but is a necessary factor and choice that should be allowed to everyone regardless of age or background.
do you like Britney Spears – no, except Toxic. Hahahah. Just cause that song’s funny.
what do you want to do with your life – I want to be a health educator, like go to schools and teach kids about safe sex and work for something like planned parenthood. That kind of thing interests me a lot and I love helping people to understand their bodies and be more comfortable with both themselves and their sexuality.
would you ever get plastic surgery – Fuck no.
do you like hot dogs – I saw them made on TV once…..disgusting shit.
last time you went to the doctor – A while ago, to check out my back.
ever taken ballet – I actually think I did once. But only because it was part of some other class….OH YEAH! Estelle and Alfonso’s summer camp. hahahahaha
last time you used the restroom – When I got home at around 3:15
most attractive person you know – I know so many beautiful people. I can’t even begin to name them.
piercings – Two in my left ear, but I’ll hopefully and eventually get two more in the left ear and maybe something else
tattoos = dunno…probably not but you never know.
shoe size = 7, 7 1/2
favorite color = black or red. I’m starting to absolutely love green because it brings out the color in my eyes.
describe yourself in four words = crazy, mature, caring, semi-happy (well as of late completely happy)
siblings = josh, john and barb
underwear = I love it….I have too much of it…but my leopard bra and flowered black panties
coffee cup= ?? I love the big ones my mom has that are pastel sort of colors…but I take my coffee with lots and lots and lots of sugar and milk.


laaast...
cd you listened to = Josh’s mix in art today
person you called = Maron, by accident. Hahahaha. Or texting craig.
person that has called you = Maron and Ashlee
person you emailed = Ashlee….hahahah
person who emailed you = Ashlee…hahahaha
person you kissed= hmmm…..I’m not really sure about that. Emily Ritz or Maron….if you mean like kissing kissing. If you just mean on the cheek or something then probably Larry or something
you have a bf or gf = complicated situation…so yes and no and no and yes
you have a crush on someone = I have about 5. hahaha
you wish you could live somewhere else – San Francisco or Savannah
you think about suicide = I used to but I haven’t in a really long time unless the conversations about last year come up.
others find you attractive = I guess
you do drugs = Sometimes a bit of weed but only here and there.
you smoke = eh
u like roller coasters = I love them soooo fucking much! I need to go to six flags soon!
you write in cursive or print = Print

long distance relationships = Are usually very hard to deal with and really complicated. There has to be a good understanding of the ‘rules’ in that kind of relationship.
using someone = Fucking horrible and it should never happen.
suicide = no comment.
killing people = I dunno….
drugs: Weed is the only drug that I can handle people doing. That’s the only drug I’d ever do. Everything else is a very bad choice and very bad decision (redundant…yes)
premarital sex = As long as it’s safe sex and both partners are ready, willing and understand the precautions they have to take during sex then I’m all for it. I think people should be able to make their own decisions about their sex life without parents interfering and lecturing them on everything bad. Sex is a wonderful thing and as long as you’re smart and safe about it there should be no reason to shun it. Things happen, but there are the resources to fix those and help people with those tough decisions.

do you....
like the taste of blood = ew it’s so gross
believe in love = Yes, been there before.
believe in soul mates = Yeah, I think it doesn’t have to be two people in love though, it can just be two best friends who will spend the rest of their lives being friends and be so similar and perfect that it’s crazy.
believe in love at first sight = eh….not unless you count the line, ‘do you believe in love at first sight….or should I walk by again?’
believe in god = Oy…the short answer is no. But I do believe in having faith in something.
ever cried over a girl/boy = I’m a fucking teenage girl, of course I have!
ever lied to someone = yup
ever been arrested = nope
ever dated anyone who's in your lj friends list = ….yeah…..two of them….
ever considered dating anyone else on your lj friends list = umm…..i don’t think so…not sure.
kissed anyone on your lj friends list = hahahaha we don’t talk about that
ever been in a fist fight = No, but I fuckin wish I could have that experienceare you scared of = the dark, my brother, losing everyone I love.
hat are you like in relationships = Oh god….hahaha…..I have’nt been in a serious relationship since ilan and that’s a bad example. Sorry hun, but I’m sure you’d agree with me there.

number...
of times I have been in love? = 3-4
of times I have had my heart broken? = oy…..
of hearts I have broken? = I honestly don’t know…maybe two…?
of boys I have kissed? = hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….do I really have to count all of them? Fuck that.
of girls I have kissed? = again, fuck counting…
of men I've slept with? = 4
of girls I've slept with? = 2
of continents I have lived on? = 1
of drugs taken illegally? = 1
of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = 3
::what (illegal) drugs (if any) have you done: weed
::What's the best gift you've ever received?:: my camera and all the random shit my friends get me. hahaha
::What's the best concert you've ever attended?:: does def poetry jam count?
::If you had to give up either music or sex for the rest of your life, which would you pick:: fuck that. I cannot choose between that.
::What's your favorite bad-for-you food?:: cotton candy or icecream
::What rockstar would you be a permanent groupie for, no questions asked?:: Red Hot Chili Peppers [obviously] or I dunno
::If you could lose (or get back to re-lose) your virginity to any person living or dead, who would it be?:: I’m happy with the person I lost it from. I was in love, so what can I say? If I had to choose someone else….Jimi Hendrix. Mmmm…..
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[23 May 2005|03:25pm]
[ mood | confuzzled ]

Ok, so much like emily's.....You ever get that feeling where your stomach drops and you don't know what to say to someone? suddenly they surprise you with something very powerful and it just overwhelms you?

I have that.

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[21 May 2005|02:42pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

So I'm bored. Nothing new there. But I'm sitting at home and it's a fucking Saturday night where I want to be out and doing shit. Even though I'm getting sick. I'd rather be sick and out than sick and in. But I'm sure my mom would flip out if she knew i wasn't going to be home or something.

I had a lot of fun last night. :)

I'm so tired right now though. And I sort of feel like shit because my throat is getting worse and my nose is getting to just be irritating for me. And my eyes keep wanting to shut but I don't want to let them because i'm hungry. But I don't want to make myself food.


I'm so lazy and so tired.

Someone come save me or....blah.

This bothers me so much. I hate emotional little battles that you don't want to tell anyone about. I need to vent to someone but there isn't any one certain person i can tell everything to right now. I just... fuck all of this. I need to go relax.

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[15 May 2005|05:53pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

So I've been having a really good weekend. I got to see all the people I really really care about so I was really happy. Yes...I said really five times within the past three sentences. Disgusting and weird.


I'm in a pretty good mood considering the fact that I've been emotionally drained this entire weekend. Thinking something really bad could possibly happen to you just makes life stop short and cuts off your circulation. I don't like that feeling and I got it too many times this weekend.


The Translator or whatever the hell that movie is called....the new one with Nicole Kidman is really good but very long and you have to pay attention the ENTIRE movie otherwise you miss everything. And Kicking and Screaming was just funny and cute. Stupid, yes. But funny and cute. Will Ferrell movies just make me laugh because he's so ridiculous. and the littlest kid was ADORABLE! BING BONG!! (the person that was in reference to doesn't even read this so i don't really know that point in stating it).....whatever.

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[10 May 2005|06:00pm]
I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. I did my homework. I ate a shitload of food. I took a shower. I watched a movie. My ear drums are popping because "Neon" (John Mayer) is blasting so fucking loudly. I studied for the Math IC SAT II's. I've fulfilled about every little thing I have to do. I hate sitting here having nothing to do. I can't do that. I don't like sitting around doing nothing. I get too bored and go on the computer too much. Fuck this.


Someone come over and save me. Or call me. Maybe I'll call Craig to go to dinner or something. bah...
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[07 May 2005|09:50pm]
PROM WAS AWESOME!!!!!

Everyone looked so fucking gorgeous and beautiful and dancing all night was sooo much fun. Watching the xXx porno going on the dance floor. It was so much fun and i'm glad that everyone who went was there.

AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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MY THESIS IS DONE MUTHAFUCKAS [05 May 2005|11:35am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

My thesis is done on fucking time this year! I'm so fucking proud of myself. I don't have to deal with the big stress of actually writing it. Now it's just rearranging it, and cutting or adding little things here and there, which I can do easily. Editing is the easiest part.


I need to go outside and think for a while. xooxox, love.

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music and love....mmm.....with the love.... [02 May 2005|07:30am]
[ mood | happy ]

I LOVE BLASTING MUSIC AND BEING HAPPY!!! it's such a great feeling. EEEEE!!!

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[01 May 2005|03:42am]
[ mood | completely exhausted and dead ]

A lot of shit has been going on. Too much to write about because long entries are sort of annoying. I mean, I want to read them, but sometimes I just skim for the important things. you know?

Anyways, the play went really really well [surprisingly]. I was happy with my song the last night, even though i fucked up a note, but no one noticed so it's ok. and KAI! WHAT AN AMAZING BOY! I LOVE HIM! hahahha. "the skin....[strokes marlee for the fifth time]" hahahhahahaha.

and so many other inside jokes with the play kids. I love those.

Paul was gonna come but he couldn't find anyone to go with. AWWW!!! *melts into a puddle of girly hormonal goo*

I miss maron, and i don't get to hang out with her enough lately. This play is taking up a lot of my life.

And tomorrow is my daddy's birthday. I have to remind myself to call him tomorrow. grrr.....

I'm halfway done with my thesis! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! LET's CELEBRATE AND DIE!

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mm with the love....[haha emi] [19 Apr 2005|10:12pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

There is something entirely satisfying about having one's feet be dirty. I know it sounds gross, but to know that you've been outside playing or running or doing something in the general vicinity of the outside world and that it's warm enough outside to wear sandals or bare feet just makes everything more satisfying. It's a strange way to think about it, but somehow gives me satisfaction to know i can have barefeet and not have them freeze off.

I'm so fucking excited for gay prom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you could go gemma!!!! And Emilie, are you going? I really hope you can come my darling. Otherwise how would I get to your Shakespeare performance (as it were i heard that from gemma dear, and i believe if my memory serves me correctly [which often times it doesn't] you're in shakespeare).

I need to go shopping for prom with larry, but only for a bra because i already have my dress. I bought it in California a long while ago so I hope it still feets everything correctly. I really want to wear it to school friday. that would be AWESOME!!! I'm definitely going to do that.

Love!!!!

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[18 Apr 2005|10:33pm]
Ok, so while I'm in a good mood I figure, "Hey, why not post? Instead of the same old mmmmeeeeeeeeeepp i'm in a shitty mood so lets tell the world!" wooooo!

When my pussy's in a good mood, i'm in a good mood.

And no, I didn't fuck or get any pussy action. I don't really feel like explaining. But I'm sure some will know. Doesn't really matter though.

I'm clean and dandy.

hahahha.....dandy.


I'm so fucking tired. Someone shoot me. hahahahah.
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